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yes, it’s been awhile since i’ve posted. or done anything, in fact. but you can’t possibly know that (as i haven’t posted). apparently, there’s this thing called a four month sleep regression. there’s also one at eight months. let’s just say i think that lucas is just gonna keep on going from one right on through the other. which is totally awesome.

no, that’s a lie. it isn’t awesome. it isn’t even close to awesome.

i thought that having a child here in germany would make it easier for me. you know, mommy & me groups and what not. i’d meet friends, i’d have a reason to walk and get out more and i’d have a purpose here. not so. i do get out a lot, that’s true and i have joined the american women’s club mommy & me group, so for two hours a week, it seems like i have friends. but the truth? i do not. and i spend most of my day sat on my sofa in my pajamas crying. sobbing actually. why? i’m exhausted.

lucas was never a great sleeper, but he was little and he was predictable and it was getting better. until it wasn’t. and it got worse. and it hasn’t stopped. he’s impossible to put to sleep, he usually won’t sleep longer than 2 hour stretches – maybe there will be one 3 hour stretch a night, if i’m lucky. and he fights it. it is so hard to get him to sleep.

what’s the worst part of all of this? i’m alone. completely and utterly alone.*** yes, all those mommies that i meet with are great and helpful and nice and there are people i have (had) coffee with that are “friends”, but no one that i would invite over to my house while still in my pajamas and the kitchen being a mess, which is when i need friends after all. no one that i could possibly call up and say, “come over, i need a nap”.

***i think my husband would take offense at this, or at the very least, it would make him really sad. i am not alone, really, he is the best and is extremely helpful and is right there with me getting annoyed at our son.

i have nothing else to say, really, which is why i haven’t posted. i’m too exhausted to be clever, to homesick to be interesting and feeling too sorry for myself to talk about anything else.

hopefully this too shall pass.