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so, this morning i walked out of my apartment with just enough time to catch the train, but i still stood there for a moment, before i stepped out into the rain and thought, “do i have time to run back upstairs and get my umbrella??” sadly, the answer was no.

but even worse than getting my head wet (which i certainly did), i was wearing my cowboy boots, which have literally no tread on them. in fact, i can pretty much guarantee that if there’s a teeny bit of water on the ground, or god forbid, ice, i will slip and i will fall.

the worst thing is that i’ve been simply terrified of falling in general lately. every time i stub my toe or almost run into something or, god forbid, walk down the stairs, this sort of deep dread grips me and doesn’t let me go until i’m safely sitting on the train or comfortably lodged inside my own house.

this fear is the worst when i’m walking along the train platform and i imagine the teenage boys smoking to my left bumping me off the platform, and me ending up down on the tracks.

and, of course, in reality, i’ve never fallen off any train platforms. nor have i ever been pushed down the stairs. and thus far, i haven’t sustained any serious injuries from a stubbed toe, and neither have i found myself any clumsier for being pregnant (at least as far as i know), but i think that i’ve gotten incredibly paranoid – as evidenced by my ridiculously realistic imaginings of the business man behind me rushing forward and pushing me down, trampling me in his mad dash (to get where, i’m not sure) and leaving me lying there, alone and in pain.

in all of these situations, whether it’s me falling or me being pushed, my hands instantly fly to my belly and i think: the baby! and this nervous fluttering overtakes me as i try to keep myself from picturing the horrific possibilities of me landing right on my stomach, which isn’t really even big enough to create any sort of complications, i imagine. and to be honest, my mom actually fell off her horse when she was quite a bit pregnant with me and i’m fine… (though, she really shouldn’t have been riding a horse and my father, as i hear it, was just furious)

anyway, somehow i managed to make it to the teacher’s lounge in the sprachzentrum (about a fifteen minute walk from the train station), where i needed to make a photocopy, and then all the way back across the station to my class, getting completely wet along the way. and of course, once i got to my class, i remembered that one of my students wasn’t able to make it today and so, of course, i hadn’t even needed the photocopy in the first place.

of course i was frustrated, but as long as i don’t fall, i don’t really mind. if this paranoia keeps getting worse, though, i probably won’t leave the house. ever. and i’ll make my husband get me everything. i’ll make him move the tv into the bedroom, and every morning he’ll have to set up my breakfast, lunch and snacks by the side of my bed and i suppose i’ll just have to take the risks of crossing the hall occasionally to use the toilet. but we’ll see about that last part.

ps. i’m almost fifteen weeks! and sort of showing! update to follow soon; right now i have to go to an unpaid, three hour, mandatory meeting that i’m obviously really looking forward to. sigh.