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it has started raining again. after about a week of sun, we’ve returned to the dreary, grey and rainy days which are, apparently, normal here in germany. obviously, i’m pretty excited about this (picture game of thrones: “winter is coming!”). and to stay out of the rain, i’m sitting on the couch, eating canned peaches and drinking ginger ale, which incidentally, exploded all over the sun room, which sounds like a fantastic room, but isn’t, i just can’t think of a better word for it. it’s basically a small (very, very small) room off the kitchen, where we keep our recycling and the freezer and the plant that i’ve most recently killed.

this basically leads me to believe that i’m going to return from milan on monday, and there will be ants, or worse, spiders, wandering all around my sticky floors. i tried to clean up, but i’m just not feeling ‘cleaning’ lately. so, a general wipe-down with a paper towel will have to suffice for now.

it’s not just cleaning, though, it’s everything. i’m simply exhausted: physically and emotionally.

yesterday, i had my first doctor’s appointment, which was fine, everything went well. which is really what i should be focusing on. but, when i left, my hands full of brochures and paperwork and information, i had this overwhelming feeling of… being overwhelmed. you see, all of those brochures, papers and information were in german. and everything is so different here, i just felt bogged down by the sheer immensity of the prospect of having a baby in another country.

did you know, for example, that the doctor i chose is not actually going to be delivering my baby? here in germany, you find an ob/gyn to deal with all the pre- visits and the post- visits, but you also have to search for a hospital and foster a relationship with them and their on-staff doctors and midwives will be the ones who are actually delivering the baby.

on top of all the procedures and practices that i’m going to have to get used to, i’m going to be doing it in a language i don’t speak. and all by myself. of course, i’ll have my husband, but my mother is thousands of miles away as are all of my friends.

i was standing on the train platform, trying to focus on the fact that so far, the little doofus is healthy and both parents are happy and in love. that is, after all, what’s important. (still trying to make it sink in).

however, in doing this, i completely forgot to have my train ticket stamped. which of course, i didn’t realize until the uniformed woman standing before me was asking for my ticket (at least i assumed that’s what she was saying). i pulled it out and said the only sentence i’ve uttered in months (to people other than my husband): sprechen sie englisch? and then proceeded to explain that i just somehow forgot to stamp it, but i did indeed pay for my ticket.

she did not care. i, of course, started crying, because it was just the last thing i could handle right then. everything seemed so unfair, as if the whole world was against me, most obviously the woman in front of me, who could have cared less that i was shaking and sobbing as she wrote me out a ticket for 40€, which i cannot really afford at this moment.

i got off the train at my stop, tears still streaming down my face and i don’t think i’ve ever been so happy to get home. i immediately laid on the couch and watched enchanted, possibly the best movie ever.

then i made the mistake of watching marley and me, which was good, but i’d completely forgotten about the miscarriage.

even though their portrayal of it was good and healthy, and jennifer ansiton and owen wilson moved through it and had three lovely, healthy children, i couldn’t get it out of my mind. and going to sleep last night (or trying), every little cramp and twinge in my belly area kept me up.

needless to say, i didn’t sleep so well. and i’m still exhausted, still overwhelmed and still lonely.

on a positive note, i did get a phone call for a new class (teaching business english at bayer), so now i can pay for that 40€ ticket. of course, that means that i have to go meet her tonight at 7:00pm, when i should be packing for milan, watching tv (no “bad” films though) or sleeping.