for various reasons, i was pretty much convinced that it would take ages for me to get pregnant or maybe, that i wasn’t even able to anymore. not because of my age (because as much as my husband jokes about it, i’m not that old), but because of my twisted understanding of karma and my overwhelming judgementalness towards myself (yes, i know that’s not a word).

however, au contraire, we weren’t even trying yet. in fact, i shouldn’t even be posting this yet because it isn’t “official”, but i’m pregnant. i’ve taken two home pregnancy tests and beyond that, i just knew.

i knew pretty much from the moment of conception, but i ignored it, doubting myself and not wanting to jinx it, either. there was just this feeling that spread over me that was almost completely physical. i expected that, if i were to “know” the moment of conception, it would be spiritual or emotional or magical or something, i didn’t think it would come as a very physical twinging in my stomach-area (i assume not actually in my stomach) and a sort of tingling all around my core. and somehow, i just felt it.

as the weeks went on, i sort of forgot about it, but still somehow felt more connected to myself, in a completely indescribable way. then, of course, there came the day when i suddenly realized: wait, shouldn’t something be happening right about now? and i looked at my calendar, counted the days (and recounted and recounted, never really trusting my adding skills…) and of course, i was late.

i tried not to get excited, because it was only about six days, and you never know (even though the whole time, inside, i knew).

what complicated matters, however, was my sister-in-law, who has been visiting all week. she arrived on saturday, which was the day i realized that i was late. and i wasn’t even sure if i wanted to say something to my husband yet (he likes to be sure of things), let alone his sister. so, i kept my mouth shut… until sunday. i have absolutely no ability to not tell him things. if i’m feeling something, he knows about it. which in the long run, i think is a good thing. but sometimes, i imagine it’s slightly annoying for him. oh well.

i decided that if i still hadn’t gotten my period by monday, i’d take a test (still keeping that hidden knowledge locked away inside of me). but, i was also started to feel different. i wasn’t nauseated at all, but i felt crampy and really bloated. my stomach would get a bit queasy when i hadn’t eaten and then instantly gurgly and a little upset when i had (no matter what it was) and i was having trouble going to the bathroom.

all of which, i’ve come to know now, are symptoms of the first trimester.

of course, come monday, i could barely wait. not only did i really want to know so i could be excited, but i also had some logistics to figure out. i mean, we fly to milan a week from today (friday). and if i was (which i knew), i needed to get to the doctor’s before then, to figure out if i could.

so i bought two tests – two because the pharmacist (who thankfully spoke english and was caring and patient enough to explain the whole test for me, from procedure to result) said that i should take it in the morning, and i didn’t want to wait. so, i bought two. one for monday, and one for tuesday morning, just to be sure.

i somehow made it through work on monday and then came home. and for the first time, on the walk home from the train station, i started to doubt myself. walking to work, i was completely engulfed in this white light that i was surrounding my baby in and feeling so happy, confident and sure of myself. suddenly, i was questioning everything: not only if i was in fact pregnant, but if i could do it if i was, if i could be a good mother and if i could deal with myself pregnant and all the worries that come along with it.

but, when i got home i took the test, which meant me being in the bathroom for at least five minutes, fumbling about. and i left my phone in there (which i had used both to time the three minutes it took to wait for the results, and to translate a sentence i thought might be important from the instructions), which my sister-in-law found. either she thought something was up, or she just now thinks i go to the bathroom with my phone.

and of course, it was positive. which i immediately tell my husband, who is sort of weird about his sister being there and bless him, isn’t very good at handling two competing things like that. he’s so very practical as well, that he just can’t bring himself to tell her before we go to the doctor’s, even though i find it weird to be experiencing all this and having her, a very new auntie, here the whole time and not sharing.

we went to sleep that night, both of us excited but trying not to be and when i woke up tuesday morning (at 6.30am, i might add), i took the second test, which of course confirmed the first.

we are pregant! mr and mrs doofus will soon be welcoming a little doofus.

of course, i shouldn’t post this because i’m just now six weeks along and we haven’t seen the doctor yet and worst of all, i haven’t been able to tell my mom. because of course, our apartment is too small for me to use the phone without his sister hearing me, and i don’t want to be weird and step outside (with my computer and headphones).

how am i feeling? excited, scared and nervous. i’m elated in general, a bit nervous about traveling to milan and then later, to south africa. i’m of course terrified that something unmentionable will happen and i’m nervous about everything.

i’ve been pregant now in all my dreams – and weirdly, had some scary snake dreams. does that mean something? any dream interpreters out there? even outside of my dreams, if i close my eyes, i can start to see a snake winding it’s way around me or around some sort of darkness that i know signifies something important. of course, i simply open my eyes, blink it away and focus on the light…

today, so far, i’m feeling pretty good (which makes me nervous). lately, i’ve been exhausted, crampy, emotional and my stomach has been pretty upset: bloated, gassy and constipated, if i’m honest (which i rarely am about that sort of thing), but i’ve decided on full disclosure here because i want to remember everything and let’s face it, i’ve got a pretty horrible memory.

i made a doctor’s appointment with someone i googled, and i’m not sure how i feel about that. she seems legit enough, but i just don’t know. i basically googled “frauen ärtzin köln englisch” and called whoever came up, which is not the way i would have liked to have found my first baby’s ob/gyn, but hey, what can you do. i tried calling the two doctors recommended by the american women’s club here, but one didn’t have an appointment time until mid-november (way too late) and the other said i had to come by with my insurance card first – which i will do next week, to see if i like this doctor better.

but, of course, the whole process involved a lot of phone calls and a lot of: “sprechen sie englisch?” over the phone. it also was exhausting, and i realized that having a baby in a foreign country when i don’t speak the language or have any sort of community built up is going to be just that: exhausting.

but i also realized that there are a lot of things i will handle well for this little one that i don’t seem to be able to do for myself. because normally, i would have given up or not even bothered in the first place (which is why i haven’t made doctor’s or dentist’s appointments for us yet), but it is very important to me to get things right and to do the best that i can do with my limited resources here.

i’ll be happy when my sister-in-law leaves, even though i’m enjoying having her here, because then i’ll be able to start reading the books and doing all the research and setting myself up here that i’d like to be doing.

and, best of all, i’ll finally be able to call my mommy.