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today is decidedly not a very good day. in fact, it hasn’t really been an excellent week. i feel like staying in my house all day, hiding from the world. but unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to make me happy.

i’m just so tired of feeling this way. i keep running up against the same wall and i can’t seem to figure out how to get around it. i don’t really want to go for a run or get outside or see anyone (didn’t go to the neumarkt coffee this morning), even though i know those are the things that will make me feel better. where does the self-sabotage come from??

what i’d really like to do is go to the gym with my mom and then have lunch afterwards, or go for a walk on the beach with her dog. sometimes i think it’s just too hard here. i’ve gained back all the weight i lost, i feel down a good deal of the time and i can’t seem to get my life going. and i can’t stop eating poorly (or too much, really) either, which makes me feel even worse.

i’m sure it’s mostly because i’m not on a path. i’m just trying to survive now, i’m not trying to get anywhere or do anything. and like the ostrich, i don’t even have a good survival plan.

i am feeling very discouraged by life and especially by life in a foreign country without a real support system. i need friends and familiarity. but at the same time, i need to stop pining for that and start living the life i have, i just can’t seem to figure out how.

unfortunately, the worst part is, i have all the answers. i know what makes me feel better. i know i should be taking my omegas and getting outside. i know that i should maybe be looking for a job, or cleaning the house. but i’m trapped in this vicious cycle of not being able to do what is good for me and then feeling worse for it. plus, all the “up-keep” is just tiresome. if i were anything else – a car, a house, a relationship, i’d have given up on it long ago and sold myself or broke up with myself.

what if it turns out that i’m just fated to be this way and i will never be able to feel better?